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Sharks Are Apparently Walking On Land Now, Excuse Me But No Thanks

Barcroft Media via Getty Images

What the hell, you guys

If there’s one thing that everyone can agree on, it’s that sharks are cool as shit. They’re fast as hell, they’ve got hundreds of bitchin’ razor sharp teeth (except you, whale shark, but you still rule), even their skin is made up of essentially microscopic teeth, and just like your dependable best friend from elementary school, they haven’t really changed over the hundreds of millions of years they’ve been around.

Or so we thought!

Apparently over the last few million years, at least nine shark species off the coast of Australia and New Guinea have learned to walk behind our backs. These conniving bastards, called epaulette sharks, now use their fins to crawl across coral reefs.

So, first of all, absolutely the fuck not.

We trusted you! You were our rock in a swirling sea of evolutionary changes! How could you do this to us, “epaulette sharks”, if that’s even your real name. We loved you just the way you were, and then you go and betray our trust like this. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d actually stab us in the back, considering you probably also have some kind of fucked up shark hands now.

When does it end, sharks??

Well, it doesn’t end there, because guess the fuck what. They’re not just flipping everyone a webbed middle finger and scrabbling over reefs, they’re actually walking on land.

OKAY, NO. NOPE.

Look at this asshole

The audacity. The gall. We’ve been weathering a goddamn global pandemic for over a year, from which we’re all gonna have to work through weird cagey feelings around toilet paper for like, a while, and now this shit? Sharks are leaving the fucking ocean and taking strolls on beaches, and that’s what we have to deal with now?? No. NO. Sharks had their chance to venture onto land a few hundred million years ago, they made their decision and I am putting my foot down. My human, land-dwelling foot. We cannot allow this.

There is already way too much shit going on. Nobody has the time or energy to deal with “oh by the way, sharks want to walk among us” on top of everything. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “It’s not a big deal! All the walking sharks are super small, they’re not a threat!” To which I say, first and foremost, the fact that you’re normalizing “walking sharks” at all is disgusting, you make me sick. Secondly, yeah sure they’re small now, but what happens when they decide they wanna get bigger? They’ve already decided they want to leave the fucking ocean without consulting anyone, you think they’re gonna run it by the group when they want to bulk up?

Fat chance, buddy.

And what kind of an example is this setting for sharks that are already big? If you don’t think the bull sharks or great whites are going to lace up and immediately follow suit as soon as they hear about what these 2-foot-long punks are up to then you need to wake up and smell the sea salt. Do you want to have to look him in the eyes and tell Jaws to get off your lawn? I don’t!

I don’t like it, I don’t trust it, and neither should you.



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