Please, for the Love of God, Stop Going to Orgies During a Pandemic

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Never thought that would be a sentence I’d type but here we are

We’re steadily approaching one full year of the coronavirus pandemic and in that time we’ve learned that the virus is airborne, it affects everything from your lungs to your sense of taste to your toes, somehow, and the best way to protect yourself and your community is to stay home as much as you can, wear a mask (covering your mouth AND nose, people) whenever you’re in public, and avoid or cancel social gatherings.

I guess we still need to spend some time really outlining what constitutes a social gathering though, because, wow.

Last week another superspreader event was identified when over 40 people tested positive for COVID after attending Naughty in N’awlins... which is an annual swingers party. Now, I’m not a doctor, but if you’re in the middle of a pandemic trying to avoid catching a deadly infectious disease that’s spread through droplets in the air, probably don’t sign up for a three-day-long, 250-person sex party inside a contained hotel where literally all anyone is there to do is swap fluids.

I dunno, just a thought.

Apparently there were guidelines in place, though. Attendees had to wear masks and were told social distance, which, like, who could’ve predicted that trying to get people to distance from others and keep their mouths to themselves during a three day swingers event in New Orleans wouldn’t be super effective? I’m sure we’re all equally shocked. The event’s organizer expressed regret, saying, “If I could go back in time, I would not produce this event again.”

Yeah! Good! I should hope not!

It’s almost like the best way to prevent mass COVID infections at a giant sex party is to not have the giant sex party. Look, I get it, being stuck inside fucking sucks and you’re horny. But guess what! We’re all horny and stuck inside! That’s just the way shit has to be right now, guys! We all need to do our part and stay home so we can someday, finally get the hell through this thing. After that, we can all go forth and fornicate like rabbits.

For now though, suck it up and masturbate alone like everyone else.

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