A Gentleman’s Guide To Becoming A Supervillain

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If you’re thinking of a career change, this is for you

When running your lucrative business, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when running the world.


Don one of your many striking Italian suits. Color is at the discretion of the individual, though once you pick a color scheme, stick to it.


Have your secretary inform your clients of your intentions to become a villain, and offer them to either join you in your endeavors of devilry or face certain death.


Unmercifully kill a low level maintenance worker in your building to desensitize yourself to murder, as well as to show other employees you mean business.


Brainstorm a plan for world domination, and then employ a few freelance graphic designers to create an imposing and dramatic visual presentation of your intentions.


Have your intern or office boy conduct thorough research as to ascertain whether there are any superhero-nemeses in your area.


If there is no superhero available, kill a man in front of his children, kneel down in front of the shocked kids, and laugh. This will hopefully encourage one of his brood to blossom into your future nemesis. This will also provide ample time to round out your super villain persona.


Consider a sinister moniker worthy of your intelligence and propensity towards true deviltry. King Awful is not a good choice, but the style of (Title) plus (Adjective) is a helpful format to apply.


Come up with an entertaining catch phrase that is not cheesy or easily dismissed. “You are the ripened fruits of my own malignancy, and I shall feast upon you now with a sinister appetite,” is good, though a bit long.


You may be offered injections to make you super strong at this juncture, and should feel encouraged to take them without hesitation. If you lose all your hair or your voice begins to crack, all the better to enhance the ambiance of fear you wish to project.


Hire or anoint a man or woman who will serve as your right hand. He or she should appear sexy and rarely speak, and it should be publicly implied though never acknowledged that the two of you have engaged in the act of sex.


Decide upon some sort of home base. This can be the top of an imposing and phallic skyscraper, or at the bottom of the ocean in a glass oval city. Whatever you decide should be ornate and awe-inspiring.


Steal some sort of nuclear missile or mystic and powerful totem that threatens the safety of the world.


Now that you have all your supplies in order, enjoy a delicious iced tea as you watch your hounds feast on a suspected spy or poor migrant worker that doesn’t deserve it at all.


You are finally ready to begin domination. In order to build confidence in your burgeoning diabolical skills, start with the complete takeover of a midsize metropolitan area first, such as Cleveland. Then build your way up to cities with larger populations and more recognizable landmarks.


The superhero should now appear with various attempts to foil your plans. First, re-introduce yourself and comment on how that orphan has grown into such a fine man, or how the superhero’s costume fits better than ever. Tell him or her you are excited to battle, and kidnap another person close to the hero’s heart.


Around here the villain is usually toppled, though this need not be the case if you never lose sight of the superhero and maintain an exemplary tax record. With nothing to hold against you, nations will eventually see that it is not so bad having you as a leader.


Initiate Plan W. W does not stand for anything in particular, so if inspired feel free to replace ‘W’ with any number or letter. The details of Plan W may vary from villain to villain, just be sure it remains mysterious until the last moment.


Everyone is now dead, except for you, your right-hand sex partner, and the kidnapped friend of the super-hero, now your willing sex slave and biggest champion. Enjoy repopulating the naked Earth, and remember to pass on what’s most important: the qualities of a gentleman.

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